What Am I?

Lately I’ve taken a look at the different things I notice about myself, whether it’s the hobbies I have, the people I’m friends with, or the clothes that I wear. I tend to put myself down about some of those things because I try to live up to the worldly standards I see all around me. All my life I’ve been surrounded by dancers and actors and artists and singers and everyone else under the sun who have found their place when they were young and have stuck with that ever since. My main issue I found in myself from the start was that I never had any of those. I wasn’t the athlete or the musician and I certainly never focused on academics as my specialty, so I asked myself the same question year after year. What am I? If I’m not this or that, then what am I? Just by looking at simple things in my life, I can see little bits of diverse hobbies and styles that I take part in but never fully embrace. It’s taken me 16 years to realize this:

I’m a little bit of brainy and a little bit of how tired do you have to be to come up with that?, and I’m a little bit of 80’s style mixed with current trends, and I’m a little bit of “I need my time alone in the quiet” and a little bit of will she ever shut up?, and I’m a little bit of dressing nice and a little bit of repping sweatpants, and I’m a little bit of warm socks and a little bit of sunny days, and I’m a little bit of everything that I think I’d like to be, but that little bit of everything makes up the little me.

thanksgiving

A few years ago I read The Hiding Place and in all honesty I really didn’t enjoy the book at the time. It was too wordy and detailed for me, and just a little too depressing. But, as per usual, this thanksgiving we went around in a circle and said what we’re thankful for from this past year we had. This past year was by far the hardest year of my life. I was hit with family issues, friend issues, and health issues so basically no matter where I went- I was followed by these struggles. While trying to think of what I was thankful for, this book came back to my mind, and this is why:

In the book, one of the main characters says she’s thankful for the diseased fleas that are biting and killing her and her loved ones as she speaks. Directly after, one of the other main characters describes how confused she is because she has no clue how or why she would be thankful for the very thing that was killing them. Later on, she found out that the fleas were keeping the guards from coming in and killing and torturing them. They managed to escape and help tons and tons of people. The thing that was killing them ended up being a blessing.

Moral of the story: I’m thankful for the burdens God put in my life this year, because without them, I wouldn’t be close to half the people I am today, and I wouldn’t be as strong as I am.

disconnect to reconnect

Half of break is over and I’m really not even sure how that’s possible. We spend thanksgiving in New York with relatives and we just arrived about 2 or 3 hours ago. They live back in the woods where there isn’t much wifi but there’s so much to see, especially now that everything is covered in snow. I’m not sure why it popped into my head, but the thought of an old youth group lesson I was taught came into my head when my social medias weren’t loading. Disconnect to reconnect. Unplug your phone and appreciate the time you have to spend with others, there’s plenty of free time to be on my phone later.

stressed but blessed

As I lay here ready to fall asleep (which is crazy for me to go to bed this early like what? I have things to do right now) I’m looking back at the past few months and the upcoming weeks I have. This September, October, and half of November flew by so fast. Even just 2016 in general has seemed to quickly slip away from me. Especially in the last few months, I’ve been busy up to my neck in school work and life and it seems as though I can never quite seem to find the right balance. As soon as I finish one project ahead of time (which usually doesn’t happen: the procrastination life is the life for me) about 4 more come in for me to do next on top of everything else life has to offer. I’ve been so blessed with the fun I’ve had this year, despite how rough it may have been to get through. I’m thankful to have gotten through this week with multiple tests and quizzes every single day on top of all the other work teachers pile on before break. I’m extremely excited that break is FINALLY here even though I only have one free day. Busy is overwhelming but I’m overwhelmed with happiness. God is so good to give us the busyness to keep our minds occupied, although it seems as though I sometimes feel too occupied for Him. I’m glad I had the opportunity to spend tonight catching up with my girls and talking about Jesus. Most of all right now, I’m thankful for this bed.
Stressed but blessed is my current feeling.

In Their Eyes

I’m pretty sure anyone can agree that on a daily basis we see people and compliment them on how they look because we genuinely think they look good, but they just can’t see it themselves. It’s such a simple concept to just like the way you look whether it’s on a daily basis or just especially that day, yet we have so much trouble saying it let alone believing it. How come our brains can wrap our brains around the concepts of gravity and quantum physics but God forbid someone tells us we look good in a shirt and we look at them questioning their entire existence for liking it? We make no sense and I don’t think anyone will ever be able to explain the human brain. Life would be so much easier if everyone could see themselves the way others see them, wouldn’t it?

When God Is Silent

This past weekend I had the chance to go on a retreat and, for starters, get really close with some great people. The purpose of this post is the message I liked the most, though. It was “when God is silent”. The whole topic made me start thinking about how I actually react when God is silent. I’m not quick to seek Him out and find Him in situations. I’m quick to do quite the opposite by finding everything I feel that I can’t see Him in (which is 100% wrong to begin with but that’s another story). When God is silent, so am I. I don’t seek to talk to Him or even think about Him, I seek quick fixes and wallow in my sadness. I want to challenge myself to be as loud as God can be (not possible but that’s why it’s the goal😉) when He is being silent in my life. I’m not asking for answers, I’m asking to see Him in the situation.

Care

Caring is caring. When you stop talking to a person because they’ve hurt you in some way, that doesn’t mean either of you stop caring. Sometimes things seem to be too distant or too far gone for you to care about them, but the thoughts still creep into your mind about it. Slowly and surely, if you believe in giving people chances, you’ll see a hope in them. That hope makes you want to keep trying to help them, even if it seems hard or they push you away. You never know what’s going on in people’s lives, and you could definitely make a change.

Scars.

A few months ago, I was talking to a friend about something I was struggling with in my faith while we were sitting by a lake. The point of being there was to actually go in, so everyone had bathing suits on. I sat and talked to her and I noticed that, as she was telling me her experiences in life, the tops of her legs were covered in scars. They were remnants left behind of battle wounds. They didn’t remind me of normal scars, though. She wore them in a way that showed she wasn’t proud to have them, but she was proud that they’re no longer battle wounds, and now they are scars. Scars meaning she put that behind her and said “No, I’m stronger than this”. The immediate thought that popped up into my mind that I had never thought of before was that scars are white for a reason. There may be doubts in my mind that God is there for me, but that day showed me that God made her scars beautiful and pure white where the crimson blood stains that had once been there were now gone; and he can do that to the scars on my heart too.

Another Quote

So I was on Pinterest (yet again) today and I saw a quote that made me think. It says “only grow thoughts in your brain that you wouldn’t mind putting in a vase”. I like the quote to begin with, because I love plants. But thinking about it brought me back to sitting in my 7th grade Bible class and being told to do things as if God were sitting next to me. If He was there, we wouldn’t be doing half the things we do or saying half the things we say. I like this because it’s true. God is always next to us, even though we can’t see Him.

Looking Back

I started this blog after finding inspiration from a relative who loves to blog as well. I see her as someone I look up to and admire the effort she put into her writing. Many say that they start things like this and that they’ll want to go back later and read them because they think it’ll help them take their own advice. I always found that cliche, like it came right out of some hallmark movie (which I’m looking forward to investing my time in this Christmas). But tonight I went back and read some of my posts just to see what I’ve embarrassed myself with on the internet this time. It came to my surprise that I actually have more of an understanding of what I wrote now than I did then, and I can think deeper into the situations I wrote about. I actually got something out of my own writing and I never found that would be possible, but at the same time it’s what I’d hoped for. The last thing that I got out of my work was hope. I see hope as the underlying message of what I’ve written and I’m looking forward to writing more.

I’m hoping to actually get around to writing more but tis the season for school to begin.